It seems that I have been away for a while. Not in body, but at least in presence. I do apologise for that. I find it funny that I talk to myself in that way. I talk to myself a lot actually. I've told people and they find it quite strange that when I'm on my own I refer to myself as 'we' and I talk to the other me quite often, especially when in the car on my own or cycling. I explain things to myself too. Hopefully that's more normal than it seems. Ah well.

Doesn't seem I have much to talk about tonight. The tiredness is getting worse though. So tired and dead all the time. I think it may be connected to the whole emotionless/depression thing, although that could be speculation. Not so much that I'm tired because I'm depressed, but possibly depressed because I'm tired. This would be quite nice actually as it'd mean that I have a sleeping problem rather than a mental one which I guess is easier to sort out than my being a nut case. I've been falling asleep quite often at college which isn't too great really but can't be helped I suppose. It would be nice to be able to feel again, but as I talked about last time, I don't want that at the cost of this, so to speak.

My thoughtful self seems to have hidden himself tonight. Come out please? I'm in the mood for a good mong with the other side of reality. The side that isn't about getting fucked every Friday night, the side that's almost like that side but just a little different. The side where the nights are so warm and peaceful that you can lie and look at the stars forever and the afternoons are so orange and lazy that they never end. This reality is with people too. Good people. Good friends that you could spend the rest of forever with. Not fake friends that 'just do', the kind of friend, the kind of friend that can do what? I can't even think of something that is that close and amazing. My mind really is a closed book tonight. Usually that sort of thing is waiting at my fingertips.

If you were given the choice, the choice between this world and another, could you leave this one behind? You see it so often in films and books when the traveler is asked to stay and they say they must go home, or they allow themselves to stay. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, the children stay to rule the kingdom. What sort of ending is that? In Alice and Wonderland, however, she chooses to go home to fix home, rather than live forever in Wonderland. I guess the end is different to life though, because life has no 'the end' until the end. What if you could just walk away? Walk away from your family and your friends and your job, could you? Walk away to a better life with better people and happier times. I know some people would stay, either out of selflessness or fear, but what sort of a life is that? Staying in mediocrity when you could move on to beauty? Why put up with the grey skies and light of England when you could be somewhere beautiful? Maybe I'm too young and naive to see the beauty in this country, but I just can't. The summer is too short and wet and the winter is too long and wet.

You know what? I'm going to kill it here. Tonight has been pathetic, lets hope I can come back next time with something worthwhile to write about rather than this drivel. Fucks sake.

So long, So love.