It seems I feel compelled to write these posts just after watching Skins. This weeks episode was truly crazy and beautiful and powerful and moving all at the same time. There are so many perfect shots, especially the shots of Effy and Freddie in Effy's room, backlit by the morning sun. I wish I could take shots that beautiful, but I don't know if I will ever be able to. I want to talk about this episode, just rabble and ramble and be a crazy person but I don't want to spoil it for anyone who's not watched it yet. It made me cry, which is a first for Skins I think. There's just something about someone sobbing in that way that just brings the tears out of me. Maybe I will never take my perfect photo. Maybe I will be forever consigned to taking mediocre photos. This would be a shame really as I'd probably end up killing myself not too long down the line if I never take a photo I'm happy with. Lovely thought that, but not really that scary.

People seem to think I'm quite a depressing person when it turns out that I've thought about death quite a lot. Not my own death; that would be a little morbid, even for me; no just death in general. I don't think about death in that pathetic emo way, "Like Omfg Life Is So Harsh On Me I Just Can't Go On Living Its Just 2 Hard!!!!111!!!1", sort of like, you need to accept that death is coming for you, and will get you. The harder you run the faster he comes your way. Don't give me any of that "living every day like it's my last!!" bullcrap because you're not, all you're doing is using that as an excuse to go out and get hammered every Saturday night and get laid. Living every day like it's your last is looking at the sunset and reminding yourself once again how beautiful it is, looking at that grey sky and thinking if it were just underexposed by a few stops it would look wonderful and crazy and thundery, living like there's no tomorrow is accepting the future and forgiving the past and loving yourself and those around you with no regrets. I can't say I act upon my preachings because for me the past is always there, and I can never forgive myself for my wrong doings, and loving myself isn't something I've done for a very long time, but I love those around me that much more so I like to think that makes up for it.

Dying isn't something to run from, it's something to walk towards. You know when you go on a great adventure, and when you start it you wish it would never end? And it seems like it's over all too soon, but when you get in your front door and you drop your bags on the floor and you flop into your divot on the sofa that your ass made because you sit in exactly the same place every night, you're glad to be home at last. Life is like that. When you're young you wish it would never end and you could live for ever but by the time you get to the end you're glad to be home and death doesn't seem like such a big deal any more. People who commit suicide are like people who get homesick and go home early and people who get hit by cars are like people who get arrested half way through their great adventure and get sent home early. When you look at it like that it doesn't seem half so bad. I think a part of growing up is realising that you have to go home some day. Part of growing wise is realising that it's not such a bad thing; having to go home; after all.

One of my favourite quotes is "Why die for today when you could live for tomorrow?" It has many meanings, but I think one of them is that however heroic and brave your death today is, you're still going to miss the beauty of tomorrow. Maybe dying today means somebody you love can live for tomorrow, but if they love you too then why would they want to live for tomorrow without you? Giving your life for someone is widely seen as a selfless act but it's possible to see it as incredibly selfish too. Seeing a loved one die is one of the hardest and most painful things imaginable so many would say "I wish I could die so they could live", but how much of that is chickening out of feeling that pain? Do you really wish all the pain you feel to be placed upon the shoulders of the person you love, just so that you don't have to feel it any more? Sounds pretty selfish to me.

It is very hard to kill one's self nobly. There is the case of a man throwing himself on top of a grenade to save the crowd of people around him that he doesn't even know, is that brave suicide? Suicide is so often known as the 'easy way out', but it's not. There must be something terribly wrong with a human if they can override the basic instinct to live, but sometimes someone just knows when it is their time. Suicide is often terribly selfish and pathetic and weak but I know I can think of some circumstances where it's just laid a tortured soul to rest.

So many people seem to think that living forever would be amazing. That living forever is cheating death. Living forever isn't cheating death, far from it, to want to live forever merely taunts death to come and get you. To live forever in fear of death is no life at all. To really cheat death you must live life as best you can, and when he comes for you, instead of running you turn and face him. You face him, look him in the eye and let him take you. That is cheating death. To let him take you with no fear and with no remorse. To know that you have loved and lived and that you have no regrets, that is cheating death. To be run down like a rabbit by a dog is no way to die, that is no way to live. Do not fear death, he is a friend simply giving you a lift home. Once home you can put your feet up and sleep, sleep in a way that you never could when you were alive. You can sleep without fear, without nightmare, without time or place. You can sleep in peace.

Sometimes, when we run from our fears, we spend so much time running that we don't have a chance to look back and check what exactly it is we're running from. Sometimes when you look back you see that that monster really isn't that scary at all. If only I were brave enough to take my own advice eh? I might actually be able to slay some of these creatures that torture me, but no, not yet. Not yet.

Not yet.

So long, So love.